EVEN IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS

We have started to learn to love every step of what we want to do. We know that God is speaking to us as if He is beside us. That is actually the truth! GOD is with us because He loves us!!! This Chapter will bring you to another experience. This experience really teaches me to stick with the LORD.

Indeed, every experience has a lesson. Why? After the whole first semester of being a second year law student, words of the Lord are being so clear to me. Not just during the mass but during the whole week. He said:

 “I serve to show my love for you. I suffer because I love you and I die because of my love for you. But where are you? You’ve been too far away from Me. I called you but you did not listen. I protected you but you never protected yourself. I ask you to be righteous but you disobey. And you ask, “Why are you forsaken me? “

       

        Because of these words that are too clear for me as a result I’m becoming strong, stronger than before. At first, I thought God had scolded me because I disobeyed HIM. In my mind, He asked me…” Is it my fault that you did not listen to me when I warn you?” Those words were actually painful, a punched on my body. Truly, I’ve been so abusive to Him. I continually wasted my time and energy to the worldly things that disguise to complete me.

        I’m a person who loves to join a group. I see to it that everybody will recognize me through the words that I’ve uttered and through the actions that I’ve showed to them. In my classroom, I was nominated as President and won. My classmates said that it was good that I was chosen as the President since I can interact to everybody and at the same time I can understand the needs of my classmates. Because of that, I was flattered and said to myself that I could be famous in the future. I love that my classmates will call me when they need something. In other words, I want this kind of attention. However this attention pushes me to rot my being and led me to become unfocused of my goal.

        Temptations, the lustful desires, pulled me down. I love a girl and my intention was clearly perceived. She noticed that I only after sex. She warned me to stop my evil purpose. Do you know what I did to counter her observation? I gave her what she wants just to get my desire from her. I bought bag for her, a pair of shoes, shirts, dress, wallet, and jeans (sorry, these were just the things that I can afford). Then, we went to a pension house but to my dismay she ran when I started to pursue my lustful plan to her. I was really evil at that moment and asked sorry to her and thanks God, she forgave me.

        I also started to get drunk. At the age of 27, I drowned myself with alcohol and vomit until dawn. I never drink alcohol since high school, college and during my master’s degree, I started drinking when I already had a job and I started to abuse it when I failed two subjects in law school. I couldn’t believe that I did it because I already promised to myself during the death of my father since 2004 not to drink. Alcohol is one of the causes of his death. Because of drinking too much alcohol, I get ulcer.

        I was really out of focus. My discernment became a scrap. The title of being “Mr. Discernment” according to my teacher in Statutory Construction was a sham (That’s what my teacher and classmates call me in law school. It started when my teacher asked me why I study Law which I replied “because it was the answer of my discernment”. From then on, I become known as Mr. Discernment until now). However, my promise to the Lord to become a lawyer becomes futile.

                                                         

After that first semester, I failed one subject, criminal procedure. I cried because I’m not used to having a grade of 5.00 in my Transcript of Records. That is the first subject which I failed during my entire academic study and I couldn’t help but got drunk again. Everything evil started from this experience. I couldn’t accept with what had happened to me. I started to blame everybody even the person who help and send me to school. I became so lean because I couldn’t eat well. I sometimes locked myself in a room always thinking if I’m in the right track. I pity myself until I made a poem. A poem that I want to share with you because it is usually our common reaction, that God is not with us in times of trials and failures. That even we are doing God’s ways it seems that we are still in darkness. Thus, this reads;

“I’m In Devil’s Den”

I’m in a devil’s den….

Disguising as one of them….

I don’t want to do evil things,

but here I am can’t  wait doing anything …

I’m in a devil’s den…

But I’m doing Godly vices since then…

I pray and I talk about the scriptures,

But, here I am damaging God structures…

I go to church everyday…

Attend prayer meetings every Friday

I meditate the words of God,

But why I am still sad…

I can’t help but ask…

Is this really the life on earth living in difficult tasks?

My mind and my heart wanting to follow HIM..

But my body is doing things that are lame.

Blessings, good opportunities and the gift of LIFE…

I know following him is always right,

Why I can’t savor the sweetness of GOD?

because I’m still doing things which are really bad...

Following God is not very easy…

I can’t ponder why He is still good to me…

He gives me liberty…

However I abuse His faithfulness and his sanctity..

When I look at the cross…

I see HIS sad face feeling loss.

But behind this sorrowful appearance,

 Is a fulfilled heart that glance;

“I love You!

And I do this only to save you”

Why I can’t understand such fact?

I want to follow him but it seems here on earth I get stuck.

I want to listen to Him…

But I’m still in a devil’s den…

Contrary to that evil idea, my mind thought of the image of the Lord. He is saying “ Be strong, I’m still with you even in the devil’s den. You can do it my child because you are mine”.

I am sure, God is still with me. That’s a 100 % sure. God has never forsaken me. Not only on me, but he is with us! I am so confident that the message He sent is telling us that everything is already prepared by the Lord. It is just our choice whether to obey Him or not. If we fail, he will still continue to give us a chance. YOUR DARKEST EXPERIENCE CAN BE THE BRIGHTEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE WITH THE LORD. God is with us whatever the situation is. In anything, we can do all things with God who strengthens us!